Today's lesson was different. I've been sick the past few days, and just walking up a flight of stairs gets me really winded, so I told my instructor that I didn't know how much I'd be able to keep up - but I'd do what I could. So she told me I could pretty much just do what I wanted, and I could take a break whenever I needed it, no asking. Ace was the horse that I rode. I've only ridden him a few times before. He's not completely horrible, but he's not my favorite. It's just his canter that bothers me. He just has a very odd stride, and I don't do good with odd-strided horses, xD.

We rode in the outdoor grass ring. I figured since it was very cold this morning, and it was definitely feeling like the beginning of fall, we'd probably ride inside. Nope. We had to "get outside and enjoy the sun!" Great. >.< I have like, a humongous fear of the outdoor grass ring. I can't ride in there, like, at all. I get freaked out and start shaking and getting so nervous before I even step foot in the ring. If you tell me to ride in the outdoor dressage arena, in the middle of the property, with no fence around it at all, sure, I'll ride in that. But ask me to ride in the grass ring outside, that's fenced in, and enclosed? Nope, not having it. Seems pretty backwards, doesn't it?
The grass ring is where I had my accident last year. My horse spooked while he was going down the side of the grass ring where there's pretty much a wall of trees, and then right behind the trees is the road. And now, almost every single time I've ridden in the grass ring since my accident, the horse that I'm riding has spooked. Not EVERY time since then, but let's say about 8 out of 10 times or so. I just can't ride in there. I can't trust any horse in there anymore, even if I know they're bombproof. Whenever we're in that ring, and my horse's ears go up, and they get alert, I get nervous. I can almost feel them spooking underneath me, even if they don't move a muscle. I just expect it's going to happen. And I don't handle spooks well. >.< I practically tear up riding in that ring, even if my horse just trips or something, because I just automatically expect him to spook. I hate it. So much.

But anyways, so pretty much all I did outside today was walk and trot. I actually trotted a lot more than I though I would, because Ace was being really good. Better than I expected him to be. I kept him on a fairly tight rein most of the time though, and I was leaning forward the whole time, just like, anticipating him to do something stupid. Which is obviously the completely opposite of what you should do, but I've already explain that I handle things pretty backwards. >.< So towards the end of my lesson, I realized that I'd made it through almost a whole hour without him doing anything. He put his ears up and acted really alert and uppity a few times, and I almost shit a brick each time, but I slowly trusted him more and more. I told myself to just trust him, and give him a looser rein. And so I did. I let a few braids slip out of my hands, and then I went around the ring a few times, and then let out a few more braids, and then some more. And it felt incredible to be able to do that. He did speed up a little bit a few times when I did that, so I got nervous a few times, but I was trotting around on a fairly loose rein, and I felt really good about it. I even let my defenses down long enough to voluntarily trot around the grass ring without stirrups.

I know I need to get over my stupid fear of that ring, but I just, like, can't. Yeah, can't is a bad word, I know. Don't ever say it. But until I find where my confidence has been hiding since my accident, it's hard for me to not say it. I hate it though, and I just wish I could get over it so bad. I WANT to get over my stupid fear of riding in that god damn ring, but I just can't. I get too scared. >.<

UGH.